We're too busy to do community

Do you remember the days or rather remember the older movies where people relatively knew the people living around them? Community wasn’t just some catch phrase churches were using, it was just a way of life. This wasn’t something people were set out to achieve, but rather it was just normal. People knew who their people were and who was in their neighborhood. I understand this way of life is common to older generations in small towns, but I’m primarily focusing on the younger generations. We usually do not live this way.

I suppose if I generally asked younger generations how many people they knew, they would say a lot. It’s not a deep knowing of people, it’s more like, “I follow them on Instagram or Facebook. I saw they posted this or that.” They have at least 100 or so followers and somehow that makes us feel like we know people. In reality, if I asked them, “What if I take all of your technology away, how many people would you know now? How many people would really know you?” I can guarantee maybe less than 10 people that would actually know what is going on in their life. Maybe 10 is generous, I’m not sure, but I have to be somewhat close. For myself, I would say it’s even smaller than 10 that actually know the everyday activities of my life and how I’m actually doing. We, as the younger generations, are living lonelier than ever as they say. I’m pretty sure my own generation is defined as the loneliest generation. We feel more connected than ever, but it’s not reality. We are not known by people and we don’t really know them either.

As an action-oriented person, my immediate thought is, “How do we change this?” I don’t want Gen Alpha and Beta growing up like us, but I’m concerned they will be even lonelier than us. They’re the ones with smart phones at the age of five. Who am I kidding? They have iPads as toddlers. We’re losing connection by pacifying ourselves with blue light. We’re missing out on face to face connections hiding behind a screen because it’s easier. People think they know you by how you post. People think they have you figured out by how you present yourself online. It’s all imposter syndrome most of the time. Nobody actually knows you through your online presence. People know you by the face to face interactions (or through your phone call check-ins or voice memos for our long distance friends).

The solution…stop thinking people actually know you online and start living with real human interactions. Community is a hype word in churches because we’re losing this ancient design that was woven into our DNA by God. I don’t think it needs to be this hype word with all the organized books and groups most of the time. I think it just needs to be a few people sitting on their couches with some tea and coffee. A few people in your neighborhood that you check in on. A few friends here and there where you go on walks that fill your soul deeper than any massive large gathering. A few conversations throughout the week where you listen deeply and they do too. My hot-take is this is what church really is supposed to be like.

This is the way of life that Jesus lived. We were built for connection and if we don’t actively strive after this…we’re going to be missing out on exactly what we were built for.

Do I have this figured out? No, I’m like the rest of my generation who doesn’t know what they’re doing and community feels more like a trigger word than anything. Intimacy can be scary for so many of us, but we also crave deep connection all at the same time. It’s even harder when you put yourself out there with raw honesty and then people just straight up walk away. It can make us feel like, "What is the point anyways? My home is safer. I don’t need them anyway.” What a familiar sound of the flesh that I experience, but then I get up anyways. I remind myself that this will not always be this way. My generation doesn’t know what they’re really doing with this either. It’s going to take a lot of us willing to not be defined as the loneliest generation and actually be open to human connection.

One of the downfalls that actively get in the way of weekly community is over-working and being too incredibly busy. It’s exhausting watching people fill their lives with so many things that I wonder how they don’t just fall over from the constant state of hurry they are in. I’m not really type A so the constant on the go, way of life, is just genetically not built for me. I’ve tried the hustle culture…can’t do it. I rather live with less than live in a state of hurry all the time and I rather be open to being able to see people rather than only after 7p or sometimes on weekends. I know this is counter-cultural, but something has to change if we actually want community. Community does NOT work if you’re hustling 24/7, always on the go, or have your weekends booked majority of the year. (I understand there are exceptions etc.) I think it’s going to take giving up the need for the super nice car, the huge house, and all the extra stuff we don’t really need. If less is more, then let us strive for that way of life. If you feel that there are some things you just can’t say, "no" to then by all means invite someone over while you’re folding the laundry, picking up your kids, making dinner, eating dinner, and more. Be flexible and don’t feel like your house needs to be put together just so your friends can come over. (ME).

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I need you to remember that your worth is not tied to how busy you are.

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In all honesty, this is one of the reasons we’re going back to suburban life. I want to be thrown right in the middle of a neighborhood with people all around me. I want to look out my window and see people going on a walk, pushing their strollers, and sitting on their lawn. The country life isn’t for me anymore and I personally don’t think community is really conducive to having to drive 30-40 mins just to do just about anything. I think that community for us is going to take being close-by and sometimes even in their back yard. This is what steps we’re taking in this year…hopefully soon.

This spring, invite people over often. Call your friends. Get off your annoying phone, and start living face-to-face. Do what you have to do to make community happen. Be open to spontaneity. Community is dying all because we have to schedule seeing someone 3 weeks in advance or 1 month in advance. This cannot be the way to live life to the God-given fullest. I encourage you to say, “no” in order to be able to say, “yes” to what really matters. Don’t let your past trauma be the definer of the future friendships you don’t even know exist. You are capable of having a friend and being a friend.

We’re not defined by the loneliest generation if we actually start making friendships a priority. We can do this.